The Confession: I wish you had been here. I was hoping to bump into you.

The Confession: I want to do it on a pool table.

For the past week, I’ve been immersed in the Tina Fey book Bossypants. I can’t say I’ve been a fan of her works since the beginning of her career (or her subsequent eight year run on Saturday Night Live) but once I started watching 30 Rock, I was hooked. Her approach to comedy was refreshing. As someone who doesn’t always find popular comedians that amusing, it was nice to have someone with ladybits to really root for.

I bought Bossypants after reading some spectacular reviews but the only expectations I had were a) it would be an autobiography of sorts and b) it would be an amusing read. It’s delivered on both and more.

There is one specific moment that resonated with me. In the chapter entitled Growing up and Liking it, Tina describes a conference she attended while doing research for the Mean Girls screenplay she penned. Attendees were women of various ages with a wide span of socioeconomic backgrounds. They were asked to write down the moment they “first knew they were a woman”. After given time to deliberate and detail their personal stories of a profound, coming of age moment, they shared with the rest of the group. Immediately, a common, yet all-too-familiar theme arose.

Woman after woman recalled moments where they were out in public, a stranger or friend alike decided they needed to know they had “Nice tits” or were cordially invited to “Lick me”. This was their initiation into womanhood: the unsettling, unwarranted and unexpected catcalls. Someone sexualizing the changes to their bodies that they were still coming to terms with.

It brought back vivid memories of afternoons out with my parents, in outfits I had been wearing for years (but suddenly filled out differently) and having the same sort of jeers and remarks tossed my way. Despite being a pretty smart cookie at that age, it still took me time to realize that they were referring to my body. From there, I was able to suss out why they were making the comments, but coming to terms with suddenly being sexualized took much longer. There was this inherent thrill yet shame from those comments; a complex reaction of discomfort mixed with trying to look at the experience positively… because being “wanted” was important, right? An integral part of being a woman, isn’t it?

I was suddenly confronted with my body as a separate part of me. Of my identity vs. how I was perceived physically. My body had always been just a method of transport for my day to day activities. My mind, my curiousity and my passion, the things that define me, would now take a backseat to my developing curves as a first impression for many men who met me. Now there were connotations to every movement, implications behind every outfit. I was brought into the world of womanhood with a new, constant state of self-consciousness and alternating shame or pride, depending on the comments and how I felt that day. It was complicated and messy, especially while dealing with the sudden influx of hormones and burgeoning sexual desires.

At the start, without more context, this was something you learned to expect and deal with. Take it as a compliment. Don’t be so sensitive. Of course, all before you realize this sort of behaviour is not ok. And that the majority of men are decent and have their reputations dinged with every catcall from those jerks.

Like everyone does, I dealt with it and grew to have a much healthier understanding of what being a woman entails. Yet to this day, everything from shame to pride to anger still churns within me from a comment like that.

Right now though, what I’m mostly feeling is anger. That this moment, an initiation into the world of adulthood, a coming to terms with your future as a woman and your present physical/mental/emotional state, is instead an introduction to shame, sexual guilt, body issues and sexism. A scattering of insensitive men all over the world are diminishing what should be such a powerful moment for a teenage girl. Instead of connecting with female peers to celebrate their newfound identity, that moment is replaced with a catcall.

Thankfully, this is not the case of every story for a woman, but it’s certainly familiar to many. There’s no easy solution though, as there are multitudes of underlying issues that still need to be fought daily to be resolved. I have no answers. What I do have though, are two suggestions:

1. Share your story with the men you’ve chosen to be a part of your life. When I first read that chapter and discussed it with my partner, he was amazed and horrified that this was such a common thread in so many woman’s experiences. Especially when it comes to something as powerful as when you knew you were a woman, it really illustrates just how unacceptable that behavior is. While he and many other men recognize that sexism is still a common occurrence to this day that they try to combat, adding that layer of personal history and lasting impact helps bring about greater understanding. Shared experiences, shared pain.
2. As a woman, if you have a daughter, younger sister, cousin, or any other teenage girl in your life that you care about, find a way to celebrate their advent into womanhood in a way that works for them. A celebratory meal and conversation about the amazing things are to come? A quick stop at the sports store for advice on gear that will fit her new curves while still letting her kick ass on the field? An afternoon helping her set up a private journal to detail her experiences?

Find something that resonates with her as an individual. A pleasant, if not profound, memory of the first steps on her journey to adulthood. Learning to love her body as her own and defining herself as so much more than just a “Nice ass”.

Now, contextually, that remark  fit with the character and his point, so I don’t mean to get all up in feminism’s business, but it did stir something in my psyche. Later in the story during a fabulous montage scene, a blowjob is artfully woven into the dance number for a brief few moments.

That blowjob buisness got me a little, well, distracted. First in the hot kind of way. Then I got kind of mad. The passionate voice in my head said,

“Why do I never hear women saying, ‘oh man, all I need right now is a good eating out,’ hmm? Why do I never get to see cunnilingus depicted in such a fun & casual manner? I’m not ALL flowers and cuddling, ya know!”

I’ve just never seen a woman portrayed that way. The character in the play receiving aforementioned head was a lawyer. He was a professional going about his job and having a little fun on the side. Good times all around. What if a woman were playing the part?

I’ve seen so many male characters in movies and stories triumphantly referencing receiving a blowjob as a thing of pride. Yet, on the female side of things, I don’t recall much in the way of a gleeful brag.

It seems to be a dark spot in pop culture. I mean, the concept of a man at his desk getting serviced by his intern/secretary/whoever is all too familar. Yet when do we see a woman expressing her enjoyment of the same kind of carnal attention? Rarely, in my mind. Of course, I haven’t taken in Game of Thrones or True Blood yet, so fingers crossed perspectives are expanding.

It’s safe to assume that enjoying oral sex is not a gendered activity. I’d like to see that reflected back at me in the stories we tell ourselves. Everyone is allowed to desire & enjoy some good old fashioned head, without shame or complication. And that’s what I have to say about that. xo

At the KCLA studio with The Dating Advice Girl!

My voice was on the radio this week on “The Dating Advice Girl Show” with Erin Tillman for the sex episode. I  had a great time sharing my top tips for hookups and new relationships. At one point, Erin posed an interesting question:

“How many erogenous zones are there?”

Well,  I knew the answer right away:

“There are no erogenous zones. The ENTIRE BODY is an erogenous zone! Every inch, every spot on the body has potential. And everyone is wired differently.”

I went on to explain that the concept of having erogenous zones is a framework or lens through which to view the body. It is a helpful tool, but NOT a definition of what we are. You can draw out as many zones as it takes to help you understand how to pleasure and enjoy the body.

When she asked the question, my mind flashed to the multitude of magazine covers hollering at the checkout line, “FIND OUT HIS NEW EROGENOUS ZONE!” and similar fresh takes on the human body. We’ve been boinking for thousands of years, my friends. There is nothing new. Only new perspectives.

For instance, here’s a list I whipped up of common nerve ending hot spots (HINT: This is NOT all inclusive!):

• Scalp
• Ears
• Lips
• Back of the neck
• Inner Elbow
• Between the fingers
• Nipples
• Base of the spine
• The ENTIRE pelvic region from belly button to thigh, back AND front
• Back of the knees
• Toes

This, too, is not a comprehensive list, yet the variety you could discover just in your own creativity with the above verbs could keep you very busy for several sexy dates. What the magazines leave out in their headings is that the greatest bedroom tool we have is our creativity.

And here we arrive at the point. Creativity, the element oft left out of the sexual pleasure discourse. Empower yourself to experiment. Be the cartographer of your own erogenous zones and that of your lover. Explore, venture, discover.

Some may call this stuff foreplay. I call it a good time for always.

Update: Sorry lovers, confessions artwork is a bit behind schedule. It will be posted the moment it’s complete. Thanks for your patience!

As part of the 4th Annual X and O Show, we had a confession box for guests to spill the beans on their raciest sexual adventures. And oh boy, did we get some delightfully naughty secrets! Thank you so much to everyone who rose to the challenge and shared a bit of themselves for this project!

We’ve sorted through your sordid slips and will be creating a variety of delicious art pieces based on them. They’ll be created in the medium that suits the secret best, whether it’s a tantalizing erotic tale or a smutty photo shoot.

I’m very excited to get started, so keep an eye out as they’ll be posted monthly on Lover starting this month!

Just doing my part to keep the winter blues away.

J.Sinclaire